It’s seven weeks into the semester. You have assignments up to your eyeballs, exams you should be studying for, a job to keep food on your table, a significant other you’d like to spend time with, your internship or capstone project, a summer trip you’re planning for your friends, a race to train for, and maybe a dog or a plant you’d like to keep alive.
Along comes Friendly Acquaintance asking for someone, anyone, to volunteer at their fundraising event to raise money for the poor balding sheep of Norway. You can’t possibly take another thing on. You are already running on fumes and literally do not have any spare time.
But then…. Your hand betrays you as it seems to levitate itself, volunteering itself (and therefore you) to yet another commitment. You sigh. Humans can survive on 4 hours of sleep, right?
We are busy, busy, people-pleasing beavers. Even when our schedule is stretched to the max and we can’t imagine taking one more thing on… inevitably along comes someone asking us to do just that.
You may feel in the moment like you’re just being a team player, but I’m here to tell you that by crowding your plate with other people’s stuff it dilutes the value of the stuff that is meaningful to you. Here’s they why and how of saying “no”.
The Whys
Reason #1: Your mental health.
Are you stressed? Is it making you miserable? You aren’t alone. In a 2018 Pew Research survey, 60% of Americans stated that they felt too busy to enjoy life, at least some of the time. By taking time to recharge your batteries, you put yourself in a better space to have the energy to tackle your day-to-day tasks.
If you have too much stuff on your plate, you won’t have time for yourself and therefore you won’t have time to recharge. This viscous cycle keeps going until your body just can’t keep going anymore. With fewer things to juggle, it is a more sustainable way to be able to care for yourself and keep trucking along.
Reason #2: Your f**ks are a finite resource, don’t give them away to just anyone.
Your f**ks are your time, money, and energy. This is a concept talked about by Sarah Knight in her book The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k! (She also has a Ted-Talk here).
Be selective in who and what you invest your limited resources! By clearing the clutter, you make room for saying “yes” to the opportunities that are aligned with your interests and values!
Reason #3: Because People GET IT.
People are more understanding than you give them credit for. When you tell someone “no”, they are going to understand and be okay (at least the people worth having in your life that actually care about you).
You are an amazing person for being so considerate and helpful to others in your life. Spread that consideration and kindness to someone who really deserves it (yes, that’s you!) and cut yourself a break.
The Hows
1. Be Direct.
Don’t beat around the bush or lead the person on to think that you’ll do it when you know in your heart of hearts that you can’t/don’t wanna. People appreciate directness.
2. Be prompt.
The faster you decline, the faster that person can move on to Plan B. However, if you’re on the fence about it, it’s also absolutely fine to respond with: “Thanks for the invite, let me give it another day or two to decide.”
3. Be firm.
No one likes a guilt trip, whether inflicted by the person on the receiving end of your “no” or yourself. Body Kindness author Rebecca Scritchfield reminds us- “no” is a full sentence. No explanation needed.
4. Draft a letter, text, or e-mail.
If confrontation’s not your bag, take time and express yourself in a letter. It can help make sure you express exactly what you want to say.
It’s time to Marie Kondo your life! By recognizing the stuff that isn’t filling you up, you can make room for the things that bring you joy. Cut the noise and make room to say YES to happiness!