I remember sitting at my desk in my apartment, staring at the paper I had just written, silently tearing myself apart because it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. It wasn’t the first time I felt like I wasn’t doing enough, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last. But something changed when I started working on a new project centered around self-compassion…
Sure, I’d heard of self-compassion before—I knew it had something to do with being kind to yourself. But what did it really mean? How do I actually be kind to myself? How do I intentionally treat myself with care, even when it feels like the last thing I deserve?
So, what exactly is self-compassion? Technically speaking, it’s the practice of acknowledging and embracing your failure, inadequacies, and suffering—responding to those challenges with a sense of shared humanity, mindfulness, and kindness toward yourself (Horan & Taylor, 2018).
Basically, self-compassion is treating yourself with the same care you’d offer a friend. It’s not about letting yourself off the hook. It’s about meeting failure, stress, and pressure with kindness instead of cruelty.
Once I started diving into the concept, I began noticing that I apologized to myself more often than I encouraged myself. So, I flipped the script. Now, when I catch myself spiraling, I pause and ask: “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” That simple question has saved me countless times this past year.
I’ve always been a go-getter and have had a hard time saying no. Unfortunately, that’s led me to take on more than I can realistically handle. Ever wish you had a copy of yourself, like Hermione in Harry Potter? Yeah, me too. But I don’t. And because of that, I’ve overcommitted, struggled to produce quality work, dropped important routines due to lack of time, and constantly beat myself up. It’s not sustainable. Eventually, the chronic stress started showing up physically. That’s when I knew something had to change.
Here are a few things that actually helped me on my self-compassion journey (and might help you too):
Talk to yourself like a friend.
We’re so good at giving our friends grace and encouragement—so why not do the same for ourselves?
For example, the other day in class, we were having a discussion about an assigned reading. I sat back, quietly wondering how everyone else could articulate their thoughts so much better than me. I didn’t share because I felt… well, kind of dumb.
Now, imagine a friend told you this story over dinner. What would you say to them? Personally, I’d say: “Everyone’s insights are valid and worth hearing. Who cares if it doesn’t sound as polished as someone’s else’s? Your perspective might even spark a new conversation.” Now, flip the script and say those same words to yourself.
For me, this has been a powerful and practical way to reframe my self-talk and start offering myself the same compassion I so easily give to others.
Take mindful breaks—even if it’s just five minutes.
I was recently talking with my therapist about how I get so lost in homework and responsibilities that I completely forget to do the small things that help me feel grounded. After a few days of neglecting myself, I’m stressed, tense, and deep in a fog.
We came up with the idea of creating a self-care menu—a list of simple things I can do that don’t take up much time, but help me reset. As I’m writing this, I can see my menu taped on the wall above my desk. A few of my favorites: make a cup of tea, light a candle, open a window, put on a favorite outfit, take a few deep breaths outside, or listen to music I love.
These little things help me slow down and reconnect with myself, making it easier to approach everything else with more self-compassion.
Acknowledge hard emotions—without judgment.
Ever get mad at yourself for having certain thoughts? Same. I try to stay consistent with movement—walks, yoga, hiking, or even a YouTube Pilates video. But not every day looks the same.
Some days, all I can manage is a short walk from my bed to my desk. And when that happens, the negative thoughts creep in: “You have no determination.” “You fail so easily.” “You’ve ruined all your progress.”
Those thoughts are intense—and while they might not be true, the feelings behind them are real. What I’ve learned is to pause and ask: Where are these thoughts coming from? Then, I reframe them:
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- “You have no determination” → “Some days look different, and I need to respect where my body is today.”
- “You fail so easily” → “Look how far I’ve come already!”
- “You’ve ruined all your progress” → “I deserve rest and time to recharge. I’ll keep making progress, step by step.”
These reframes aren’t magic, but they make a difference. They allow me to validate what I’m feeling without spiraling into shame or self-criticism.
I’m still learning how to be kinder to myself, but even small shifts have made a big impact. You don’t have to be perfect—just human. And that’s more than enough.
So, what’s one small change you can make today to start showing yourself a little more self-compassion?
Source:
Horan K. A. and Taylor, M. B. (2018). Mindfulness and self-compassion as tools in health behavior change: An evaluation of a workplace intervention pilot study. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 8, 8-16. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jcbs.2018.02.003