{"id":7051,"date":"2023-10-18T15:09:48","date_gmt":"2023-10-18T15:09:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nau.edu\/college-health-human-services\/?p=7051"},"modified":"2023-10-18T15:09:51","modified_gmt":"2023-10-18T15:09:51","slug":"everlasting-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/in.nau.edu\/college-health-human-services\/news\/everlasting-love\/","title":{"rendered":"Everlasting love?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Amy Bonomi,<\/strong> associate dean of strategic initiatives and professor of public health in the College of Health and Human Services<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"A<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Dr. Bonomi is an international expert in domestic abuse and researches the dynamics of recanting victim testimony and sexual abuse in romantic relationships of college students. Her latest book, Recantation and Domestic Violence: The Untold Story<\/em>, will be published this fall. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Content warning: This essay contains vivid descriptions of abuse. Reader discretion is advised.<\/em><\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ever-Lasting-Love: <\/em>John and Maria<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maria and John dated from their sophomore year of high school until their second year in college. Their first date was \u201clike fireworks,\u201d and they each felt they had found the love of their life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maria and John did everything together: went to the movies, drove up to Snowbowl to watch the sun set, even got matching tattoos\u2014a heart with an inscription that resembled \u201cfireworks.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To others, everything about Maria and John\u2019s relationship looked great. Early on, Maria\u2019s friends teased that she would be the first of their group to \u201cget hitched.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, despite outward appearances, John was angry and jealous. When Maria went out with friends, John would insist that Maria send pictures of herself and her friends to \u201cprove\u201d she wasn\u2019t with another guy. Often, John reinforced his request with proclamations of his love for Maria and that he \u201cwanted to make sure she was not being harassed by some other guy.\u201d   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Maria needed to study, John would complain that his back hurt and insist that Maria massage it.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If Maria was sleeping, John would wake Maria and insist that they have sex like \u201chusband and wife.\u201d Maria and John were not married. Yet, John would often refer to their roles as \u201chusband and wife\u201d and promised to \u201cput a ring on Maria\u2019s finger.\u201d Yet, John also \u201cteased\u201d Maria that he wouldn\u2019t marry her until \u201cshe stopped being fat and ugly.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

At first, Maria was flattered by John\u2019s requests for pictures, by his proclamations of love, when he woke her to have sex. Maria loved John; she hoped that John would propose, and they would eventually have children and a family together.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet, John\u2019s anger and jealousy became worse. It became so bad that Maria started to keep an electronic file of John\u2019s text messages and behaviors.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

One evening, neighbors called police when they heard John screaming at Maria and throwing furniture. John had strangled Maria until she \u201csaw stars.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

John was booked into jail and started to call Maria from jail. Some of their calls sounded like nothing had happened; John and Maria discussed how their days went and how much they missed each other. However, during other calls, John blamed Maria for the abuse and instructed her to call the judge to say \u201cnothing happened.\u201d When Maria attempted to set a boundary with John (\u201cyou can\u2019t do this to me anymore; you\u2019re an abuser\u201d), John would feign that he was having an anxiety attack and wanted to take his own life.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When John threatened to take his own life, Maria felt sorry for him and agreed to help him get out of jail.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After many calls from John, Maria called the domestic violence advocate to say nothing happened.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maria\u2019s story is one that is unfortunately common. The World Health Organization (2021) estimates that 27\u202fpercent of women aged 15\u201349<\/a> have been subjected to physical and\/or sexual violence by their partner. Women aged 15\u201324 are at highest risk. For cases that reach the criminal justice system, upwards of 80 percent of victims \u201crecant,\u201d or take back, the story they told police, the judge, or the domestic violence advocate. \u201cRecantation\u201d is often manipulated by the abuser telling the victim that the abuse wasn\u2019t as severe as it was; holding out promises of marriage, of change, of rehabilitation; and by manipulating the victim into feeling sorry for them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Relationships such as Maria and John\u2019s are the focus of my forthcoming book with David Martin<\/a>, Recantation and Domestic Violence: The Untold Story<\/em><\/a>. We cover an in-depth analysis of jail calls (first published in 2011)<\/a> between abusers and their victims to influence victims to recant.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Our book also discusses strategies for improving the community response to domestic violence, along with the telltale signs of abuse, such as the signs in Maria and John\u2019s relationship: <\/p>\n\n\n\n